Thanks to Tracy (lady raven) from Missouri for typing this up!
Okay, here's the transcript. I may have a few words missed here and there, but it's close.
Star Jones: Whoopi Goldberg's career is coming full circle because for the first time in
over a decade she's hitting the road for a live comedy tour. Aren't we lucky?! For those of you
not lucky enough to score some tickets, she's also on the big screen in the new comedy
Rat Race. It's about a treasure
hunt that proves when people are trying to win money, the sky's the limit. Take a look... -------MOVIE CLIP------ A bunch of people are gathered outside for a press conference about a new race car. The car
is called Lightening 2 and is parked kind of in the background. There are two men standing at
a podium talking with the reporters. Vera (Whoopi) and Merrill (Lanei Chapman as Vera's long lost daughter)
are just climbing into the car, but the two men don't know that. The women are acting as if they
are actually supposed to be doing this to fool the audience. sort of like spokes models. man #1: The body is a one piece kevlar composit, the wheels are solid, filled in aluminum, and
she's powered by twin JD 79 turbo jet engines--the same engines that are in the F4 Phantom Jet.
Are there any questions? Vera: (From the back. They're now sitting in the car. The man thinks the voice just came from
one of the reporters.) How do you start it? man #1: Ah! Good question! There's a green lever to the left of the steering wheel in the
cockpit that engages the primary thrusters. Vera's daughter's hand reaches out and pushes the green lever forward and the car roars to
life and takes off at about 200+ miles an hour, with flames shooting out the back. The men at
the podium turn around just in time to see them leave with the car! they have this totally
bewildered look on their faces, as does the rest of the audience!!! ------END OF CLIP--------- The audience laughs, and Star Jones goes "Wooooo! Please welcome back, Whoopi Goldberg!" The
audience applaudes and stands up. Star Jones: welcome! Whoopi: thanks! Star Jones: We were discussing this earlier on, and we know that your favorite part of
the show is the 'Hot Topic'. (The Hot Topic today was house guests) Whoopi: Yes. Star Jones: Joy makes them come in with their own sheets. Joy Behar: And their own towels! (laughs) Star Jones: Because she won't give them any. I bring in too many of them, (sheets and
towels). How do you do it? Whoopi: Well, you know, people come and. . . I have enough space so if I don't see them,
I don't worry. (laughs) People show up weeks and weeks later. (laughs and turns to the woman on
her left. ) Do you like to have people at your house? Joy Behar: See, that's the thing. I love company. I just don't wanna do any work. Am I
wrong? I don't think that's so wrong. Whoopi: It's not wrong. It's absolutely not wrong, but what you might wanna do is just
get sheets that other people use. Joy Behar: Yeah, but I still don't wanna do all that laundry. (Everyone talks at once for a second) Whoopi: No, no, no, no. You don't have to do the laundry. Meredith Vieira: You want the same people to sleep in the sheets that the guests continue to
sleep in? Whoopi: Well, they're guests! (laughs) I mean, what kinda people are coming to your
house?! You don't wanna clean up after them. (turns to Star) and you've got 5 million people
at your house! That's deep! (turns to Meredith) And you with the colonics! All week! Meredith Vieira: But it's doing so much good. Joy Behar: Do you want to do that? (Whoopi looks appalled!) No, huh? Whoopi: NO! Nothing goes in there! (audience explodes with laughter) Star Jones: Okay, we're going to the movie now. Whoopi: Uh-huh. Star Jones: You said that the new movie, Rat
Race is a lot like Survivor (American tv show). Whoopi: Yes. Because these people get offered this money and they go and do ridiculous
things. Ridiculous things that, had Survivor not been such a hit, might have been extreme.
We now seem tame 'cause, you know, people were sucking the marrow out of monkey bones and
eating rats! And all for a million bucks that you have no guarantee you're gonna get. I won't
eat the rat till you put the money in my hand! (laughs) Meredith Vieira: That's right! Star Jones: Show me the money! Whoopi: Show me the money! Joy Behar: You know, Whoopi, time flies. It was 20 years ago that you did your broadway
show when you did all those wonderful characters. I have a list here of them: Fontaine, the junkie;
and the little girl with the long blonde hair--that was so touching; and the Jamaican. (they
showed some pics of the characters) Look at you! Whoopi: I know. I was 12. Barbara Walters: But look at you now! Whoopi: Yeah, look at me now! (said begrudgingly, but meant as a joke. ) Joy Behar: Now you're back on tour, which I think is crazy behavior, but anyway. . . Whoopi: Yeah! I had a menopausal moment! Joy Behar: It happens! Whoopi: My hormones went down and I thought "Oh, I know what I'll do! I'll go on tour
and do 35 one night stands!" And they said, "Okay, here's the dates. " And I said, "The dates for
what?" And he said, "You're doing a tour. " And I said "When???" They said, "You said you wanted to
do a tour. " I said, "When did I say that?" He said, "Two weeks ago. "
I said, "You know what? Hormone replacement! I need that estrogen, man! I lost my mind!'" Joy Behar: Are you gonna be bringing back these characters? Whoopi: No. What I'm doing, is I'm just talking about stuff like menopause, and
all these commercials that are making me crazy, on television. Star Jones: Which ones? Whoopi: All the medical commercials that tell you to self medicate, but don't tell
you what you're medicating against. I'm talking to men. You know, men have a hard time. . .
They just. . . you know, men don't have the bonding. You know, we have the Vagina Monolouges
(a popular book and play). All the women: Right. Whoopi: We have the vagina this and the vagina that. They have no penis stuff and they
need it! (huge laughs) Star Jones: And you're gonna give them something? Whoopi: I'm gonna give them something! (audience goes crazy) Joy Behar: You know, tomorrow night, we're all coming to see you at the Apollo Theater. Whoopi: You're coming to the Apollo tomorrow night? I'm very happy. Joy Behar: We're excited. Whoopi: 'Cause I don't know if people are gonna come. It's nice to know that someone
is gonna be there. Meredith Vieira: We're coming. Whoopi: Are you gonna come? Meredith Vieira: Yeah. Whoopi: Leave the bag! (this was the woman who was doing the colonics. YUCK!!!) Don't
bring that thing with you! Meredith Vieira: The tube, you mean. Whoopi: Well, I wasn't gonna say it. (laughs) Meredith Vieira: Alright. Well listen, you are doing so many things. You're, of course, on
Hollywood Squares, which we
love. It's one of our favorites. but you're also the executive producer of Strong Medicine. Whoopi: Right. Meredith Vieira: Which our own Star Jones was featured in. Whoopi: She was so cute! Meredith Vieira: I read that it was inspired by your daughter, Alexandrea, and your
grandchildren. Whoopi: Yes. Meredith Vieira: How so? Whoopi: Well, I. . . I missed the birth of all the other grandchildren, for a good
reason, and. . . Joy Behar: What was the reason? Whoopi: Well, because! (looks bewildered and kinda disgusted) Joy Behar: Well, what's that mean? Whoopi: I didn't watch my own! But this time she said, "Mom, you have to come. "
And I said, "Okay. " And it happened that I was free (rolls her eyes) so I went. And
she was just sort of laid back because she decided she was gonna let them do whatever they
needed to do because the second one was so painful. The first one came out like this! (snaps her
fingers) The second one was like (she makes a crawling and clawing motion with her hands and
growls--like someone trying to crawl out of a small tunnel. ) (laughs) and he--the boy just took
his time. He just eased out. Joy Behar: What's him name? Whoopi: Mason. women #2: Oh. Whoopi: And as I went to--as I sat with her, you know, she was going in and out of
her thing and I started wandering the halls. and I discovered that often times the paternaty
ward is the least funded in all the hospital. They get the least money of all the money allocated. Joy Behar: You're kidding! Whoopi: No. It's amazing. And you talk to the doctors and nurses that work there and
they are amazing folks! And I thought it was time, as it is with me, I think in this phase of
my life, time to do just start communicating things. And so the show really came about because I
wanted people to be able to talk about things like endometriosis. Joy Behar: (jokingly) As a comedy topic! Whoopi: Oh yeah! You know! Or as cottage cheese! (a reference to the woman and the
colonics thing again. ) However you think about it. But, you know, to be able to at least get
the discussion out. Talking about getting a mamogram, trying to get people to get mamograms.
They're afraid. Trying to get men to get the PSI tests and have their prostate checked. And
all those kinds of things. we gotta start sort of communicating. Joy Behar: Sounds hilarious! Whoopi: It is. (sarcastically) You've never seen Strong Medicine? It's a
drama. Turn on the tv. Joy Behar: I will. Whoopi: Leave your guests alone and turn the damn tv on! Joy Behar: I'm too busy doing laundry to watch television. Star Jones: You saw me! Joy Behar: I did see you! Whoopi: She SAID she saw you. She said she saw you. Star Jones: No, I MADE her watch it. Joy Behar: We saw it ahead of time. Just like Sex And The City. We see
everything ahead of time. Whoopi: Oh, I see. Star Jones: Well in the mean time, we are gonna be some of the lucky few who are
gonna get to see you tomorrow. Whoopi: Cool! Star Jones: So Whoopi's coming to a city near you, I'm sure. Our thanks to
Whoopi Goldberg. Rat Race opens nationwide on August 10th. And don't forget to check
out her national comedy tour. We'll be right back. (then turns to Whoopi) Whoop, we love you! Whoopi: Thank you!