Thanks to Tracy (lady raven) from Missouri for typing this up!
Jay: My first guest is an Academy Award winning actress. She can be seen in the new movie
Rat Race, which is playing in a
theater near you. Please welcome Whoopi Goldberg! [audience goes kinda crazy]
Jay: How ya doing baby doll? I love you as a blonde! [reference to the wig in the movie]
Whoopi: Isn't that the strangest thing you've ever seen?
Jay: No. It's all right. It's different.
Whoopi: No! Oh my god.
Jay: It's kinky! It's cool.
Whoopi: It is kinky! It was not cool--it was very hot!
Jay: Was it hot?
Whoopi: It was a hot wig.
Jay: Was it hotter than your hair is now?
Whoopi: Oh yeah! Much, much. 'Cause it was, like, sucking onto my skull. I should have
been on the "do not do this at home" segment. [reference to a skit the show did
before she came out]
Jay: Did you get a different reaction from men, though, as a blonde?
'Cause that looked kinda cool.
Whoopi: No, I didn't get any reaction from men. A whole lot of dogs tried to pick me up,
but that was about it. [big laughs]
Jay: Have you been having a good summer?
Whoopi: I've been having a good summer; I've been out on the road.
Jay: That's right! Now see, I love it that you're back out, 'cause I always tell people
that I love watching live performances--like you and some of the other guys. And you do stand up
and you're back on the road doing comedy. And it's fun!
Whoopi: Yeah, it was fun! But I might of made a little mistake going out and doing one
night stands. I think I did about 25 of them.
Jay: Oh, I'm sorry! We're talking about show business? [teasing her]
Whoopi: No!
Jay: Oh I'm sorry!
Whoopi:
Jay: (laughing) That's right! Now what do you talk about while you're on stage?
What's a hot topic?
Whoopi: Everything! Everything. Everything you do I've tried.
Jay: Really?
Whoopi: Yeah, but I don't do it half as good as you do.
Jay: (sarcastically) Yeah right! I'm sure!
Whoopi: No, it's true. 'Cause, you know, I just used to do that character monologue
and now I'm doing stand up. So I'm talking about menopause and--
Jay: I don't do that!
Whoopi: You don't do menopause?
Jay: No.
Whoopi: I heard you did. I heard the shark joke and I assumed you meant me!
Jay: No, no. But see, that's why women get tired of men: MEN-O-PAUSE!
Whoopi: Oh, I see! Don't think I won't try to use that one now!
Jay: Well, you can have it!
Whoopi: Oh really? Thank you!
Jay: See? MEN-O-PAUSE!
Whoopi: I liked it, it was fun. It was interesting but it tired me out. It made me tired.
Jay: Do you talk about men and women a lot?
Whoopi: Yes I do.
Jay: Well, what do you talk about?
Whoopi: Well, I talk about guys in the bathroom.
Jay: Now what about guys in the bathroom?
Whoopi: Guys in the bathroom are funny. Splotches of things end up in places and you
just don't understand why. [big laughs] Ya know, I'm trying to...be good right now.
'Cause I won't tell you exactly what you're asking me, but I'm trying to be, ya know, more calm.
Jay: No! That's all right. You can be the way you wanna be.
Whoopi: Well then, why is there yellow spots in the corner of the shower when the
toilet is over there?! [huge laughs and the women in the audience applaud] Those are
the questions that I've been asking.
Jay: Really?
Whoopi: Yeah.
Jay: Where are you showering?
Whoopi: (laughs) In so many places, Jay. This is what happens when you're on the road.
You discover things.
Jay: How about sex? I imagine sex--you probably talk about sex in your show.
[notice how many times he was able to say that word in this one short sentence? what was HE
thinking about? hehe!]
Whoopi: I talk about sex, but not a whole lot.
Jay: No?
Whoopi: Nah. Been there, done it!
Jay: Been there, done that! [then they both kinda start talking at once, just making jokes]
Whoopi: Everybody's done it!
Jay: I don't want sex! Who wants to talk about sex?! I'm fed up with all that!
Whoopi: Well, that's fine! But, yeah I talk about everything. I talk about what's going
on in the world and the kids and the grandkids.
Jay: That's right, you... how old are your grandkids now?
Whoopi: 2 and a half, 5 and 12. So I've taught the 2 and a 1/2 year old--who has a very
gravely voice and looks a little like barney rubble, slightly darker--I've taught him how to say
a couple of words that perhaps were not the smartest things for me to teach him!
Jay: Now why? Why would grandma teach the kids to...
Whoopi: 'Cause it's funny to hear him say it. [big laughs again] 'Cause he's got a
marvelous voice and he sounds like this: [she imitates a very low, sort of Louis Armstrong voice]
So you teach him these things and you never expect him to go into a restaurant with his mother
and go on a jag and just yell the word, which makes all these other little kids yell the same word!
Jay: Is it a word that you can tell us?
Whoopi: No, I can't.
Jay: Does it have 4 letters in it?
Whoopi: Uh... 6. [Jay is curious and starts writing things down on a paper, trying to guess]
With a hyphen! [now Jay is really curious and Whoopi just turns to the audience and grins a
little sheepishly]
Jay: 6 letters???
Whoopi: It'll give you something to think about on the ride home!
Jay: Well, why don't you tell us and we'll bleep it out?
Whoopi: (grins) Nah! [audience goes crazy, starts yelling for her]
Jay: Well, I mean...
Whoopi: You'll really bleep it?
Jay: (tauntingly) Well, if you're scared...
Whoopi: Well you've gotta bleep it--you have no choice! I taught him how to say --
now, remember, he has this voice which sounds like this [she imitates him again]. So I
taught him how to say f***-it. [Jay starts laughing, the audience goes crazy and the
drummer in the band hits a rim shot. Whoopi grins sheepishly again] Yeah!
Jay: Now, ya know... I wasn't gonna go anywhere with it until you said 6 letters.
And I'm going: 6 letters??? Hum... hel...
Whoopi: No, no, no. That was it! And it got them banned from Chuck E. Cheese's!
[at this point everybody is laughing so hard they're nearly crying]
Jay: Oh! They got kicked out of Chuck E. Cheese??? The only kid who gets kicked out of
Chuck E. Cheese!
Whoopi: The only kid who gets kicked out.
Jay: And how proud to say, "My grandma taught me!!!"
Whoopi: Yeah! Yeah! So, you know, it's been fun. I ran around and saw a lot of the cities
[getting back to the original topic: her stand up tour] and met a lot of people. It
was really cool.
Jay: Now do you see yourself in these children yet?
Whoopi: Yeah, well, ya talk to the middle one... and she asked me some very tough
questions which kinda shocked me. She asked me if she was gonna live through school. [Whoopi
was very serious when she said this] and I thought that was a very strange question from a
5 year old, but when you think about it, that's their real life. That's part of what they
have to think about.
Jay: Oh, you mean from the reports they see on tv?
Whoopi: Yeah.
Jay: Oh, that's bad, isn't it?
Whoopi: Yeah it is. So I've sorta been saying let's bring back all the Heidi movies
and the Shirley Temple movies, even if they're not politically correct. Let's have some fantasy.
Just something, ya know?
Jay: Yeah because I never thought about those kinds of things when I was in school.
Whoopi: No. No. So I wanna keep kids, kids. So that's my new thing.
Jay: Well teaching them those words will certainly keep them kids. [jokingly]
Now tell us about Rat Race. This movie has got time magazine raving about it.
Whoopi: I know. I have to tell you, this is one of the few movies--you never hear me do
this when I come see you--but this movie is funny! And rather than having you
show a clip of mine, I wanted you to see my favorite clip. The clip that made me
embarrassed to say that I wasn't wearing depends and should have been!
Jay: All right. What's happening in this clip?
Whoopi: In this clip these 2 guys have discovered they've made a terrible mistake.
They have made a terrible mistake and they're about to pay for it...which I loved!
Jay: Okay, let's take a look at it. A scene from Rat Race. [they show the clip of
the 2 brothers when their car is being pulled up a huge tower, until it gets stuck, then the
car starts to pull the tower down on them. This is one of the funniest parts of the movie.]
Jay: There ya go! Rat Race is playing in theaters right now. Whoopi, I know
you gotta go. You're always running off.
Whoopi: I'm always running off. But isn't this sweet?! [shows him a hat] Your next guest
gave this to me.
Jay: That was Shannon Elizabeth. [from American Pie 2]
Whoopi: Yeah. What a nice girl.
Jay: Yeah. She's a good girl.
Whoopi: Yeah.
Jay: [shakes her hand] Thank you very much, baby doll! Whoopi Goldberg! Be right back with
Shannon Elizabeth. [They get up, hug and walk off stage]