I typed it up by listening to the show. Some things may not be accurate.
Jay: My first guest: Academy award winning actress and comedian. Her new movie is
called Kingdom Come and it opens nationwide on April 11th. Please welcome, Whoopi Goldberg.
[applause] Jay: You look good....welcome back! Whoopi: Thank you. I tell you the band gets better and better and better. And the
voice [refers to the girl in the band], the voice kills me. Oh, she's bad. I just had to tell
her... Jay: That's alright. Whoopi: I'm glad. Jay: You look good. Whoopi: Thank you. I feel good. Jay: You're a good hugger. Whoopi: Well, Jay, I've been hugging you for years. Jay: You know how to give that girl hug. You know, you throw that thing...
[wiggles the top of his body] Whoopi: Jay: Sometimes these kids, they give you a hug-- Whoopi: Well, I suppose they're scared. Jay: A woman hug. How are you doing? Everything good? Whoopi: Everything is groovy. Jay: Anything bugging you? Anything driving you nuts? What's bothering you, baby? Whoopi: Oh you know, the regular stuff. Jay: You always have some beef. Whoopi: Well, you know. I just don't know what to say about all these changes. Jay: Changes? Whoopi: Political changes. Jay: Uh oh. Whoopi: Arsenic, no arsenic. I don't know what to do. Should I buy my own arsenic?
Should I let them put it in the water? [Patrick Spreng, ex-webmaster for whoopi.com and
current webmaster for ACME
Whoopi explains: What Whoopi was refering to
was Dubya's move to trash the stricter arsenic removal laws passed by last year's
Democrats that would have *reduced* the arsenic levels in our water. This is from Friday's news:
"With help from the Republican-controlled Congress, Bush has rescinded tough new standards
for arsenic in drinking water." [AP] Bush has also rescinded new workplace-safety rules
designed to reduce repetitive stress injuries, energy-efficiency standards for new appliances,
and tougher policies on federal contractors who violate labor or fraud laws.] Jay: You mix it yourself? Whoopi: Yes! Jay: I always enjoy mixing my own arsenic. Whoopi: I know you do. And where did all my money go? I wanna know where all my money
has gone. I pay my electrical bill every month. Jay: It's unbelievable, isn't it? Whoopi: Every month. They went bankrupt! Jay: And you know what's great. When you show the electrical company, the place is
all lit up. Whoopi: Yes! Jay: They show it at 3 in the morning and every light is on. Whoopi: Every light is on! You can't get an appointment for somebody to come out and
check your meter. They sneak out in the nighttime. Ugh, that's what's bugging me, really. Jay: Now, let me ask you something. You were supposed to host the Grammy's... Whoopi: Yes. Jay: But then you didn't do it. What happened? Whoopi: I'll tell you exactly what happened. I got ill. I had a little scare. Jay: Now, was it show business ill? Whoopi: No. I had a little chest pain. Jay: Oh. Whoopi: I tend to do 50, 60 things at one time. And they said, "You know what,
Whoop? You have to slow down right now. There's nothing there but obviously, because the pain is
there, you're straining." They knew this a month before. 'Cause the Grammy people called me
and said, "Will you host?" on a Tuesday. We said, "Yes" Tuesday night. Friday
I got sick. Saturday they were called. And you didn't hear anything about it until about 2 and a
half, 3 weeks before the show. Suddenly it was like I had left them in the lurch. I didn't. They
knew for weeks. Jay: But you're okay? Whoopi: I'm fine. Jay: Is it like a Dick Chaney [The Vice President of the United States] thing? Whoopi: No, no, this isn't a Dick Chaney thing. It's more like a-- Jay: I know that you and Dick Chaney are really close. Whoopi: Oh, me and Dick Chaney are real close. [Sarcastic. She sticks out two fingers.
Audience laughs.] Jay: Now I also heard-- Whoopi: And you know I'm gonna leave the rest of that joke alone. Jay: No, no. I wasn't gonna go-- Whoopi: Okay. Jay: Now, is this true? 'Cause this is one of those things you pick up in the tabloids.
You won, like, some huge jackpot in Vegas? Whoopi: Yes. I did. Jay: It is true? Whoopi: Yes. Jay: What did you win? Whoopi: I won...a lot of money. [laughs] After or about what I told the IRS I won? Jay: No, you can tell us. Whoopi: I put $10 in a $5 dollar machine. I won 10 grand. Jay: Really? Whoopi: Yeah. [audience cheers] Jay: Now everybody's gonna do this now. Was it a slot machine? Whoopi: It was a slot machine. I was shooting a movie. Jay: So you were betting 10 bucks in a shot for it? Whoopi: No, no. I had like 5 minutes and they were like, "Whoopi, come on!"
And I was like, "Okay, okay." So I put, 'cause all I had was two 5 dollar coins so I
put it in. The thing went boomda-boomda-boomda and I went, "Oh cool. I won about a
grand." The guy says, "I think it's a little more than that." Jay: Now, did all the coins come down? Whoopi: No, no, no. Five people come out and very quietly first tell you that you're
not keeping all of it. [audience laughs] They said, "You're giving up half of this. We just
want you to know that going in." Jay: You have to give up half? Whoopi: Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Uncle Sam is like, mmm mmm. This may be all Bush is
really good for for me. I want some money back. Jay: You want that tax break? Whoopi: I would like a little bit-- Jay: Boy, you've gone Republican pretty fast. Whoopi: No, no! No, no! No, no! I feel like, if I'm gonna pay for a stealth bomber,
I would like some of my program serviced. I don't mind paying taxes. But I've paid a lot of
taxes, as have most of you [points to the audience]. You've paid a lot of money out. And every
now and then-- Jay: Yeah, but they didn't win the jackpot in Vegas. Whoopi: No, but 50% of that went to him. No, but I think it's okay to get some money
back. I don't think that's a bad thing. I don't think that's Republican or Democratic. I think
it's just greedy humanity. Jay: Well let me ask, do you play other games? Do you do Blackjack? Do you play Baccarat
and all that? Whoopi: [teasingly] I play all kinds of games, Jay. [audience laughs] Jay: Well, I know that. Whoopi: I play Baccarat. Jay: Oh, really? Are you good at that? Whoopi: Yes. Jay: Now that's like the classy room where you sit down and they bring you a drink.
Mr. Bond, James Bond. Whoopi: Yes. I go, Whoopi. Whoopi [said with an accent]. And they bring me my chips and
I have a good time. Jay: It's always like foreign guys. There's no cowboys playing Baccarat. It's like a
Hollywood movie set. Whoopi: Well, where have you been playing? [laughs] Jay: Well, but I don't know. But-- Whoopi: 'Cause some of the folks I've seen look like cowboys. Jay: Well, when you walk by the Baccarat you always see like, the guy from mid east
and then you'll see like a Chinese guy. And then it's all like foreign guys. Whoopi: You have to come play with me 'cause the room is always empty when I show.
Yeah. Those people leave when I come in. Jay: Oh, really? Whoopi: It's like, uh uh. Nice. Jay: Now, tell us about Kingdom Come, your new movie. Whoopi: Kingdom Come is my new movie. And I'm in it. [audience laughs] Jay: You have a dysfunctional family. Whoopi: I have a dysfunctional family. L.L. Cool J.-- Jay: Big stretch for you. Whoopi: [sarcastically] Yeah, big stretch for me. [Jay laughs] L.L. Cool J and Jada
Pinkett and--Jada Pinkett Smith, I'm so sorry, Jada. Um, Vivica A. Fox. Not Vivica Fox,
Vivica A. Fox. Anthony Anderson (?), Cedric the Entertainer. All kinds of black people in
this movie. Which is rare for me. You hardly ever see me with other black people in a movie...
unless I'm driving past them on the highway. You know, there were no black people...
[audience laughs] Jay: Why is that? Whoopi: I don't know! I guess they're afraid that people won't know it's me if I'm
amongst other blacks. [audience laughs] Scared they won't be able to pick me out amongst them.
Oh, it's too much. I just say, "Okay." So, anyway, it's a really--it's a fun movie. I'm
the mother. I've reached the age in life now where I play like the mother of everybody.
[audience laughs] Jay: Right. Whoopi: I think you have a clip which actually starts the movie. And, uh, my husband
dies. Jay: Oh, this is when your husband dies? Not a nice man. Whoopi: No, he's a pain. Jay: He's a horrible pain. [clip of Whoopi's character reading a letter to her husband, Bud, and he just croaks while she's
reading.] Jay: The movie opens on the 11th. I know you have...I'm told that Whoopi has to go.
Where do you go? Whoopi: I go to work. Jay: Oh, you're going to work now? Whoopi: Yeah. Jay: Where are you going now? Whoopi: Well, you know we have a lot of shows on Lifetime. We have-- Jay: So, if I call your work, you'll be there. Whoopi: Yeah, you can call Strong Medicine or you can call me at Showtime. Jay: Okay, I know you have to go. Anyways, the 11th is Kingdom Come. Always a
pleasure, babe. Whoopi: Thank you.